Tarot

The portrait here was practice, I added the web like thing in the back ground. The star/ray drawing next to it is digitally inverted and edited since I didn’t like the original colors I went with. And the poem below is only named Tarot because I used some imagery from my tarot cards, which makes parts of it sound stranger than others probably.

Well, my medication is doing what it’s supposed to, I’m too numb and tired to be overly anxious. I’ve been having terrible insomnia for the last two weeks though. It wasn’t this way the first time around so I’m not sure what’s going on. Anyway, this is my last week of free time… Classes start March 9th. I’m not losing myself about it, which is good. But that’s only because I have no idea what’s in store when the tests and reading come into play. I’ll have to see.

 

Tarot

 

Within is crippled confidence

I will not try again

The edges always vex me in.

A swollen catch of fortunes spin

 

An indifferent horizon

The safe sight all others see

But I know the shades I carry, of

Needs so thick it hurts to breathe

 

A three swords bleeding

Cannot kill the root

Purpose asks for far too much

And this line has never moved

 

The words came from somewhere

Wrung out with my tears, in

Wisdom lost and fought regrets.

This reflection is endless

An Edge My Own

 

        Everything should be set for me to start classes next month. Haven’t been feeling so great lately. Tired, and I’m letting people and their opinions get to me. You know, watching the news, listening to people bitch and whine while I try to remind myself to breathe, and not have everyone else’s problems drag me into a worse mood. It happens too often…

   But this afternoon my mom and I went to see a movie, Tyler Perry’s newest film. It was a nice get away. I really do respect Tyler Perry and where his success has gone. No matter what others say about his writing or his characters, they’ve got to respect how far he’s come. Anyway, I’ve decided that even with school going on for the next few months, I have to set aside time to write. It will probably be bland and not worth the ink but writing it down anyway will probably keep my mind open to some stranger ideas. I’m hoping.

Here’s a new poem too. It’s basically rolling up everything, the past with the feeling that it can turn you into something unrecognizable, how past events can sometimes catch up and suddenly ruin the present. And I guess it’s also about being on edge, ready for something to break.    

A harsh pattering of ice

Novice slits falling from the sky

Delivered chill of the wind chime

Lightning’s blizzard hidden strike

 

Mirrors broken before dawn, of

Night’s hypnotic dissolution

Snaps and screams and tears within

Ruins the mornings fail to mend

 

I’m grin eclipsed; they all misconstrue

Lost truth turning the ready screw

Smoked glass, its break few cracks away

They’ll wait then worry once it’s too late

 

But no, the airy, joyous fools have fled

Their terrorizing hope at rest

As I lean against an edge my own

Refuse of time, in moments of a

Depthless mould

Stuck

       New sketches and a new poem I just finished editing. The drawings are of no one in particular, and I know they’re not done very well but I was bored and decided to recreate photos I saw, adding in little details here and there.  

   

Stuck

 

Sun, blue sky, no matter

You disappear to me

In seconds sliding right along

Of painful constancy

 

I contemplate alone

In days of bleak identity

Drained of meaning never known

My life, a bloodless beat  

 

Distant, repeated sequence of notes

Flavorless and told

Tightened breath of an unfinished song

We are not able to move on

 

Reborn tries I suffocate

I’d die before I’d change,

Like nails stuck fast through each eye,

I cannot look away, from the end

 

Almost Done

 

       I went in for my second tb test yesterday and unfortunately, the injection site this time was my left arm. She didn’t say anything though. It was the same medical assistant from my last visit. She’s very nice, and now that I’ve gotten back on my medication, I was sort of foggy when I went in and I wasn’t so bothered by the whole thing.

My mom was talking about looking for a psychiatrist instead of another therapist. That way I won’t have to make two different appointments, I’ll be able to see one person for my prescriptions and check ins, so I’ll be searching around for one. I think it’ll work out better, and I’ll be less nervous about this whole thing.   

It’s been a while since I’ve posted any art, but ideas have been slow coming, and I’ve been distracted by two songs I’m working on. The rose/flower thing above is an example of my sloppy art…lol. I was so bored the day I painted it I couldn’t focus.

Alright, the first poem below is one more directed at society in general (my city and all) and it’s meant to sound gross and mean in a way. The other is referring to some things that went on in my past. The second one is older, I’m just posting it late. I’ll have something very new to share probably tomorrow, when I’m done with the edit.

(untitled still)

Leave them to rot

Hey, isn’t that our dream?

Don’t we want the unwanted as

Dead bodies on our streets?

 

City’s fifty heat strokes

For our wealthy five 

From dead, cash spent, safe

Old ways and empty sacrifice

 

Leave this filth and destruction

Ignore until we die

Untamed, for our greedy games

Are never wastes of time

—-

 

Deep Seated  

 

Voices

Strained amid the fight

Arguing regret and lies

 

The child within was broken

I worried someone would die

As each event was woven-

Widened eyes; a lose of mind

Then- blue moon, halfhearted hugs

My arms stiffening to the touch

 

All my hopes,

Murdered that night

For every wrong never made right…

 

Hard to watch

    

      I’ve so far gotten my physical and first tb test out of the way. I went to an urgent care place and had it done, and the medical assistant actually took my pulse from my left arm because of where I was sitting (something I couldn’t help). I was hesitant in mind but I didn’t stop her, though I do think she saw a few scars because when it came time for the tb test she used my right arm for the injection sight. Now I’m just wondering if the second tb test can be with the same arm. Then the next thing is a drug screen, and then I should be ready for classes.  

 

I was going to work on my poems today but I got totally absorbed (unfortunately, because I regret it) in watching a disturbing movie called An American Crime. I shouldn’t have watched the movie because I know now it’s going to haunt my mind for longer than I’d like. It was a true story, which is what I can’t let go of. The whole thing is horrifying and I hate myself for reading up on that case and finding out the worst of what the movie actually left out. The movie was good but the story in general really tears me up. I think it shows how the herd mentality humans can have when in groups can be so dangerous, and how wrong it can end up being when people don’t step in and say something about what they hear or see going on, or when they finally do step in, it’s too late.

 

So, I may have a hard time sleeping tonight, but hopefully tomorrow I’ll have my thoughts back to what they should be on. I’ve started back on my medication so I am trying to keep myself together and be optimistic, at least about classes starting. Everything else is going to fall in line somehow, I just have to control what I can and keep moving.  

Until no one is left

 

Swift, cruel and violent

World, come to end

One bloody image at a time

Until no one is left, we fight

 

For celebrated tragedies…

Restore me to a certainty, the

Gloom of my burnt conscience

Of wounds in resolution spread

 

In shadows we can not out run

Of darkness never overcome

Any fight for the living-

Shall never be won

 

I’m a little gloomy today I guess. The painting above is one I did about two weeks ago, trying to produce something constructive from the agitation I was feeling, so it’s meant to look unpleasant with the way the lines bend and break.

Shades of a Shadow

  

     Well, I went to my doctor’s appointment finally. The paper I needed signed wasn’t filled out because of some records they didn’t have yet, but I did get a refill prescription, and did so without mentioning I’d stopped taking it for a few months as I have. I don’t really have a reason for why I stopped taking the pills, except remembering what terrible state of mind I was in at the time. I left school and felt I deserved the worst for myself. The medication wasn’t working anymore for me as it was also. I wanted to stop therapy and seeing these doctors too. I made a mess with how much I was lying about, it was a waste of time. Maybe now, with at least a new opportunity, I’ll stay balanced enough to honestly try here with this training program. Even if it is destined to crash and burn.  I’ve noticed though, that normal talk with people makes me feel very vulnerable. Besides the usual hello and goodbye words, I can’t go into much with talking about my life because I get the sensation that I’m going to cry. I hate it.

I have been writing a lot of new stuff actually. I didn’t want to, but it gets to a point where I need to, and it’s working out better than usual. So, below is a long poem type thing I stated back in the summer and have finally finished within the last two weeks. It’s strangely put, but I tried to give my shadow  some kind of worth, as if it’s something that convinces me like nothing else to do things. I divided it into three small parts here  for no other reason than of how different the beginning and end sound from the center part. If anyone does care to read it, just ignore the line breaks from one line to the next, hopefully then it’ll make a little more sense.

Shades of a Shadow

 

‘It gets worse. It only gets worse’, I say

Its blurring blacks can only do so much for me.

All distractions can only do so much.

Sad songs just don’t cut the way they used to.

And the reckless hits simply submit to my numbness.

                                   

***

 

But then to hurt so badly, as being brought to one’s knees…

I am given shadowed ground, and my pain, heard screams

In every moment I muse of escape

The kind that longs in honesty and wants no second chance

The costly mistakes that put a blade into my hands

 

That regretful sigh once mother realized

I was worthless; I was kept apart; my mind, a grim cloud,

In visions of cold nothingness, the dark of which I came

Smothered in unimportance, I was always meant to be

I cheat them all; I’m sorry for each continued breath, but

 

Gloom and I agree, it’s been all for my due suffering,

The shadow hovers above, wise whispers on repeat,

Keeping light and hope my enemies, I’m far upon the brink

But always never quite there; given eyes of a saner shade,

Chained to life’s sacredness for one more day

 

***

 

It studies teardrops glistening, then carves

A gift for me, of weeks of care and cradling

Where long after the goring, emerge quiet whites of moon,

The permanent tattoos in full view, of which

Few ever do understand.