Despondent
I just came back from the appointment I set. This training program will be overwhelming, as she described it as being a college course cramped into twelve weeks. I will have to breathe every moment in what it’s all about. The professional side must be kept up and I’ve got to lie, if I want work.
Like I said, I just came back from hearing all about it and I know this job is not for me. She described it as “meeting different kinds of people all the time” as a way to shade it as an exciting aspect to the job. All that’s screaming in my head now is how big of a problem my anxiety has shown itself to be. I can’t do this course without taking medication, it is an absolute fact now that I’ve heard what I have. I kept listening to her talk on and on about the requirements and demands and felt myself detaching. I was not breathing or really appreciating anything she was saying at all.
I can’t do anything and have it work out. Not when it comes to getting my life together, having a career. I hate knowing that I’ve got to go through this course knowing it’s not right for me. Knowing my anxiety and depression will be a problem in the long run. Honestly, as I was being driven home by my father (who I willingly never speak to unless I need a ride somewhere), I fell into the usual place of dark comforting thoughts. The truth is what will literally end my life. She kept pushing me about my work experience until I blatantly said I have none, and I told her I don’t lie about it. So what’s my worth here? If I have no work experience and can’t get work experience and on top of it all I have social anxiety which makes me not want a job in the first place, why the hell am I here? Society has no place for the kind of spare I am.
I must have a physical, like I thought, but also I have to pay for a background check and uniform scrubs. And what if the doctor fills out the portion on the medical certificate about there being any emotional problems that would prevent me from completing this course? They should fill that part out I guess, I hope, because it would show everyone that yeah, there is something wrong with me as I’ve always suspected. Something so wrong that I’ve made it to 19 without ever having had a job, without driving, without really living the way everyone would expect… and above all, that I have nothing but suicidal thoughts, no matter what I’m doing to improve things.
But I will tell my mother I’ll do everything they ask, despite how I feel, but also without extending myself to pretend anymore than necessary. It’s a certain kind of misery, right. If only I could believe I am important enough, or if I could just snap my fingers and be happy and stop complaining and just live and do what others do so easily….
My mother leaves friday to visit her sister for the weekend. All the time in the world.
January 13, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I know it seems horrible, but think of it as college, even the job itself. You had to sort of interact with different people, right? It will be alright. Just do your best, and if that doesn’t work, then you know it’s not right for you. But you’ve got to give it a good shot before you write it off as doomed (almost impossible, I know…believe me…). Just build up your courage, and do it, you know?
You can, I know you can. And I know it’s going to feel like doom the entire way, but the truth is, I think for us, it will always be. There’s rarely going to be a time where we aren’t going to constantly be facing problems because of social anxiety…. This fucked up world is about being social, and if we want our little slice of solitude, we have to get jobs and make money so that that can be possible. So think of it as a step. I know you want to be independent, away from everyone, don’t you? This is a step toward that, and instead of taking two years or even three, it’s going to be quick. It could be a really great opportunity for you.
It’s a pain in the ass, this place; I won’t lie to you. And sometimes I really don’t think it’s worth it. But every once in awhile I have those moments of clarity where I see that there just might be possibilities, not many, but maybe enough…enough to keep moving even when everything is sinking all around.