No choice but to try…
This poem is a few weeks old. It reminds me a lot of the way I used to write when I first started out (not in any good way). But I’m getting far on completing everything else finally. I’ll post one of the better ones (well, in my opinion) very soon. Anyway, this one may seem like a cluster of random thoughts that sort of reflect the present in my life-with becoming a part of things that I know won’t work out and feeling as if I am always passed over for something.
Finished
A clear mind, ambition to prove
Bound to something sure to break through
The sane and shadow continue to fight
I lean toward the mercy of my
Dark side
My line of heart is short, unworn
The sewn illusions of any plan, torn
I’ve got those eyes and I’ve got that face
Good things present themselves
Too late
With a few fruitless relationships to sever
(As nothing deserves to live forever)
Their dead drenched wings, in final sacrifice
Extinguished suggestions; just
Take my life
Tomorrow at 10am I have the appointment for registration. I was told to take a free speed typing test online and print the results so the coordinator can see how far my skills are. I’m of course not as fast as I should probably be, but I am practicing now.
I really want her to get straight to the point about the medical requirments though. But really, this whole thing is starting to look weaker to me. What if I am really just not good at this job I’ll be learning? It’ll be not only time wasted, but if I fail it’ll be a missed opportunity someone else could have had in my place.
I’ve got no choice but to try though. I’m glad I left my community college when I did because it cut down on wasted time. I’m not going to be happy with anything I decide to go through with because I’m not too happy to even be alive, but even so, I want the things I do to make better sense. Going to that college for a degree I didn’t care about did not make sense. This job training program does. And if it falls through, I won’t know what to tell anyone anymore.
It does really seem like darkness is a mercy; it’s frightening how welcoming it can be sometimes.
“With a few fruitless relationships to sever
(As nothing deserves to live forever)”
My favorite part.
You know, just try not to worry about how it is going to work out. Just go with it, you know? I think that if they are going to be teaching you, chances are pretty good it will be at a do-able pace. Just look at it as a chance to learn your job early. That’s really what it is. And also, if it doesn’t work out for some reason, at least it wasn’t the actual job itself, and you had a good warning of what you were going to be doing. That’s the one thing that makes me apprehensive about getting a job; I have no idea what to expect. So, maybe this will be a good thing, okay?
I hope it all goes well, wish you luck :D