This is a drawing done from a photo of Mary J. Blige. I loved the strength shown in the original photo and I had to draw it. I didn’t really care if it looked like her exactly or not, I only wanted to try getting across the same feel and vibe of the original. Maybe I failed but I tried…it was a nice distraction from my thoughts. I’m still here breathing so what else matters, right?
I haven’t been feeling so great. I’ve tried to write it out, but so far it’s all sounding the same, what I’ve said over and over again. I’ve been around my family for the last week and so far, nothing has gone wrong. No one has said anything that would push me over a certain line. But still, I’ve had this feeling of really wanting to go over that line and hurt. To just, breathe again. I don’t know why, I just feel very down right now.
Try then fail, so why make it through another year? Everything I do is so fucking stupid. Survive? Be grateul for things? For what? Being so aware that there is no point to my life and there never will be leaves enough pain to eat away the inside to complete emptiness, and knowing no one else can or wants to see that it’s happening. Because no one wants to stop it from happening. They know I’m right about being out of place here, being alive. Why else would it feel so wrong?
No sense, I know.
How many times can I say I can’t take this anymore? Well see, I can take it, I put up with a lot, but I don’t want to you know? If I had my way, without the fear of being found out, I would be occupied with my knife all day. Being as alone as I am and as I’ve felt, there would be nothing better. The one thing that has not let me down.
My extended family was over for dinner today. We were talking about taking a trip to Arizona to see the grand canyon this summer, and were planning the budget. They joked about the money we’d need to put back for food, and agreed we will all probably be losing weight on the trip and not eating as much. But the funny part is when they said I’d probably need to plump up before we left so that when we got back no body would think I was sick (with how thin I could possibly look at the end of such a trip). I laughed and thought it as my kind of humor. Because it would be the truth. I personally would probably not eat nearly enough, in order to save money. It’s my nature to be the one to scale back and to be the one to offer and wait a long time for my turn. I don’t know why, but it is how it is.
Anyway, I feel like I am going to crack open soon and become completely nonfunctional, with the way I am going on, living with such emptiness and with the guilt about my failures. It’s weighing on my effort to try.
I wrote this short poem a few days ago, remembering things, and knowing that hopelessness is never truly gone from my thinking.
Again
Heartbeat-
One cruel lie
The lone voice
Just wants to die
A helpless crave
For blood to pour
Dreamed drips
Upon the floor
My tries at death
In secrecy
The weak attempts
No one has seen
And once again
Another night
I’m by myself
And not alright
Arms wrapped around the shell,
I’ve deflected their love
Years endured the inner death,
But I have had enough
I can’t decide when it ends
When this cold core melts and a flame begins
Each pure feather is tipped with blood
I have dreamed the fall, and to the edge I’ve run
I picked a place high above just to seek hell
Downward, dispersed into secrets unwell
This hated breathing, when I only want out
A constant desperation overwhelms my doubts
I lay dreaming, still alive
Artificial everything tries to make it right
To stir the soul, to open my eyes
To save my lone, unwanted life
Nothing much, but I am still working on my art, and I am still writing. It’s just a lot of stuff I am still uncertain about showing anyone. I passed the TABE test, and was told that having my training paid for would not be a problem as of now. That’s a relief, but I still have more paper work to sign. My next appointment will be some time in December, so I can chill until then.
My mother still thinks I am going to change my mind at any second it seems…lol. I know it was like I kept changing my mind, but it was more on the level of am I going to live or die, not so much of am I going to stay in school or not. It was way more than what she saw going on with me. But at this point I honestly don’t care about my life. I am only filling the time with finishing things up and resolving what I’ve left undone for so long. Making records of what I’ve written, printing some art, things like that. Because who knows if I’ll really be in a position to start training in March. It feels so far away. Who knows if my anxiety will be better of worse by then. Having this job training is something I expect to follow through on, but at the end of the day it’s not something I will say completes me or gives me a reason to want to live. It’s just a good opportunity and I’ll be able to get a job. What else does life mean if not working for money all the time….
Let me see how long I can last this time.
Taken near sunset today.
I’m waiting on the results of my TABE test. Hopefully it will be good news. I did study, the test was easy. So this one particular thing should not go wrong.
Life just sucks…first you get blamed and bunched together for what you’ve got no control over just so someone can have the pleasure of having another to blame, at the expense of anothers self-esteem, then you are discarded and told you’re simply unimportant no matter what you’ve done.
Sometimes I literally feel like burning/cutting off all my skin, ripping my vocal cords out, and existing without being anything, not a female, not black, not part of any community or anything that would pull me into what it means to be human. Sure, it might sound like I have identity issues. I do actually. Growing up in a society of stereotypes, where since my skin is darker it must mean I only listen to rap or I’m only supposed to look and act a certain way for the sake of living up to the false image set out for me. It just seems that way. It just hurts that way for me at times.
There’s a lot wrong, once again. As I try and register for this training program, I found out I will have to wait until March before the first classes begin. I wanted to break down and cry the moment I heard. But nothing in life will ever be on my side and it’s about time I take strength in that, and never allow myself to consider that even a possibility. Anything that ’’should” happen hardly does, or at least no the way you picture it happening. It’s not always attainable.
Maybe I can spend this winter learning to drive and getting my tests out of the way. Something to live for, until another obstacle comes around. What the hell is the point…..I’m a fool for still wondering.
