Pathetic writing, I tried

       Some things I’ve been working on…..I haven’t decided on titles just yet. After each dot is a separate entire piece, but the first two were actually written together before I split them up to be their own. The final one is probably my favorite of these, since it’s not so personal. I’ve been numb lately, which may explain why I don’t care for the lyrics to the song I wrote, because it is personal and none of it matters to me right now for whatever reason.   

Night falls, I come along

And wander sometime behind the moon

Then lay upon the clouds of dark noon.

They sing to me,

The wrong.

 

So calm they leave my sickened self

These quiet glooms so close to death

A distant dying draws a streak

Before it fades,

I string a dream.

 

*

More present than the angels

Without their sea of wings,

Twinkling, or

 

Are they threatening to die?

Heaven cannot collect itself;

Daybreak does not belie.

 

I am awake in this other world

To feel the shadows breathe.

A night spirit glows,

 

Released

To speak, and weep with me,

Over eternity

 

* 

Sweet world

With your sunlight and fluffy skies

Summer haze and low star December afternoons

Your poor, polluted pools, rivers, small veins

 

Dying slow, random lonely thrills of anger

Your hurricanes and ruinous waves

Your heat in bolt and flames

Hello, yes, I know. Death is only when.

 

Dropped from a silent God

Fear, as unseen, his savage universal theme

Is housed in darkness, kissed and cold

The blue star’s ailing thunder soul

 

 

 

 

Regina Spektor – Après Moi (2007)

This is such a great performance of a song I just love. The video visuals aren’t the best but it has the best vocals I could find. Her talent amazes me.

I’m going to hate this….

   Some things have opened up recently. I can take a three month course at a local school to become a Health Unit coordinator. In practice it’s basically typing in patient info into a computer, data entry with specific rules to follow, routine. It’s better than two years being wasted; three months is nothing. The tuition is $3,000, but seeing how you could get a job easily after the course and if you’ve done well, I’m not worried about paying that back.

The only thing I am hesitant about though is the process for actually applying to the school. I need a two step tb test and a physical. My first reaction was saying ‘I’m screwed’, because the TB test means someone seeing one of my forearms, and unlike what’s common for most people, both my forearms have scars on them. Maybe I’ll just offer my right forearm which has less of them….and besides this, I absolutely hate having physicals. Being examined like that in front of a total stranger…God, I just don’t want to have to explain anything to anyone you know?  

Sure, they probably aren’t asking for too much, but it feels like they are. I didn’t want to have to ever set foot in a doctor’s office again to be examined and tested. After going there for mental health reasons then, more than a year ago now, and seeing my physician barely handle my telling her I needed help, I haven’t wanted to place myself in anything near that situation. 

I have applied for some jobs, dish washing jobs, retail jobs, stocking jobs, medical record clerk jobs, and I have not received any word yet. Oh, and I applied for a JCpenny merchandise stock job, filling out a long two and a half hour questionnaire about personality, only to be told I was not fit for the position. How fucked up is that?…Not even good enough to stock merchandise?

It’s only nice knowing I can call it quits any time I get good and ready. Nothing can fix my state of mind, I know that. So whatever thoughts give me comfort, I will hold onto them, whether they’re good for me or not.

A Break

    

      I just don’t feel like talking about myself or what’s going on in my life right now. I’m writing a song and trying to arrange it with piano (I say this a lot but maybe this time I will finish actually, and not put it aside and forget about it again). Anyway, this poem below is about a year old or more possibly. It never felt right so I never posted it, but I think I have it down this time. It’s basically written for the times I would ask myself what would happened if anyone found out what I was thinking, feeling, and planning. I used to truly worry about that way beyond reason (people are completely blind), and I could care less about who knows what anymore about such things. Honestly though, what would anyone dare do about it all?…lol.

 

Caught

 

My lies have been defeated

They know my darkest secret

Gloom has forced the light to fall

I hang my head before them all

 

Overwhelmed, upsetting thoughts

Words unfolded, I was caught

My letter of a pained farewell

Sickness disclosed, a death to tell

 

First tear to bleed, they want to talk

Demands to know what’s going on

Conversing of my selfishness

A fear that prickles at my skin

 

A truth now too dark to hide

As eyes beg to read my mind

But no excuse beneath these sleeves

Shadow has gained my loyalty

 

From offered and unwanted help

I glare, trying to guard myself

Alone; they are not on my side

I am not trying to survive….

 

Frightened threats ignore what’s wrong

Drenched in blame and all my faults…

Embraced, a soulless, settled calm

The burden, yes,

I’ll soon be gone.

 

And I want to through in this entry the Evanescence video of ‘My Immortal’. I know it’s old, and I got sick of this song and stopped listening to it for a long while, but I can relate to it slightly right now. Plus I think the video is just beautifully done. I love the black and white.

 

 

 

The Way Out

 

It’s all about escape.  

Things are real bad now. Really really bad. I owe $867 to my college now because I withdrew from classes too late to receive even a partial refund. I hate myself more than words can even say right now. She said, well you just have to get a job, and do some things you may not want to do, but it’ll work out in the end…my mother doesn’t know I don’t give a shit about having a life at all. She doesn’t know that breathing is a little ‘thing’ I don’t want to do. I am living for nothing. I don’t want a life, I don’t want to make these decisions. I am unwilling now. Very unwilling, and I’ve made sure every option has something wrong with it, because that’s the way my sick mind works. It’s my fault these problems exist, and I saw it coming. I saw the fall coming years ago.

 

Comedy

This video is straight comedy, with a guy who does by far the best Obama impression I’ve seen so far…And the guy who plays Mccain…there are no words, he’s just hilarious. I’ve watched it like five times now. I got the link from LisaNova’s page with this video over at youtube, where on the side comment she has a list of questions for the viewers about the debate.   

It’s about disappointment…

        Complete disappointment, from many different angles. From people using or manipulating you to the bad advice from others or yourself that you never want to hear but it is repeated over and over anyway. But that’s just my interpretation of it (for today..lol).

Let Down

Trust swindled me of a soul

I was above the trance of these other sheep

But I see what they’ve done

Every smile I perceived was a fallacy

To ever think I was enough….

 

I am swathed in botched self confidence

A boring balance of undesired range

It’s my own disillusionment forcing me to change

It’s the beady way they looked at me

With flickering disdain….

  

This is the life of the broke and used

I am beneath with the fragments of an unfulfilled wish

Fast pace confusion gave its old opinion

Shriveled experience poured out its dust of a vision

Its wisdom and wounds, without a reason  

 

I never mentioned before, but about two or three days ago I received my absentee ballot (early voting here in Ohio). I was so glad to finally get it over with and send my ballot back through mail, because here in my city the polling places are expected to be very packed and I was worried about waiting until Nov. 4th and having to see the line I’d have to wait in. It’s cool though. Now a person who actually needs that place in line will have it, and might be able to cast their vote before the polls close that day. Strangely, I’m in such a better mood today :)

I don’t want to run anymore.

Call me crazy but I actually called my mother today at work and explained, after another issue of college financial aid to dance around, that it seems I’d rather die than actually get a job. I said those actual words to her, it’s never been done before. She then says we’ll ‘work it out’ and talk about it all when she gets home. Great….I did make it clear though that this is how I feel. Seriously. I then said that maybe I should have stayed on medication, but that it just made me not care even more. And that the therapy had not been effective.

Now I can sink into that numbness I so often complain about. It is needed and wanted right now most of all, because I can’t run from what I’ve said and admitted and I don’t want to. Feeling anymore towards the situation right now will make me retreat and deny it’s all true. And I’ve done enough back stepping and avoiding. In reality, avoiding and denying and distracting have been more self-destructive than causing any real pain, but they are what I’ve used to simply surivive this, to survive the way my mind works.

Dried blood, my circumstances, weak, helplessness

           I have been so right all along. I am supposed to swallow my anxiety and fear and pretend it’s not what rips me apart inside for ever moment I still breathe. Because there is no cure for social anxiety. The rest of the world considers this disorder a joke I’m sure, but it’s not so light to deal with. It’s caused severe depression and a complete feeling of desperation, of being trapped. I should make it clear how it is in my head.

I can not and do not want to get a job because I WOULD RATHER DIE FIRST. Literally. The interviewing, the pathetic resume I haven’t bothered writing down, the lying I am no good at…where does it leave me? It leaves me starving in the end.

My circumstances are ones that have delayed and continue to stall any progress. I can’t drive, have no work experience and an unfavorable personality. I am that person with social anxiety who has one person in my everyday support circle, my mother, and unfotunately, she doesn’t understand how much it breaks me in dealing with this. I put off learning to drive because I knew my family couldn’t handle the financial burden at the time to send both me and my twin brother through student driving courses. So, I passed and let my brother go first, and I waited until I am now too old to take the same course. I stalled in looking for a first time job because I knew my options would be limited. I would have had to work either at a fast food place or be a cashier somewhere. I feared the situation then and I fear it now, more than ever, because my time is running out.

CB therapy was alright at first. It eased my depression along with the pills, but I let go of all that. I don’t want to talk anymore to people who cannot do anything to genuinely change the circumstances of my life. No one can do that, and they shouldn’t. I don’t want a life, so it’s not neccessary for anyone to try. Oh, and I’ll not forget to metion the near $200 bill the fucking insurance company is sticking me with. They’ve changed how they charge patients for mental health services, and it doesn’t favor the patient, of course.

I could change my degree to Graphic Design and go through another year of courses with a half heart and weak motivation, and it won’t change the circumstances. I’ll still be in this house, without a licence, without work experience. I am shutting down and it’s clear from the numbness. It is deadness now, complete lifelessness.

If I don’t kill myself, what will society do with me in such a state? There’s nothing in life I want that would make it worth the hell of being forced to ‘face my fear’ and anxiety of social situations, day after day after day. It isn’t right, but neither is lying to myself.

Sick

 

 

Unprepared; the world says I have to want to be.

Haven’t the angels seen my desperate screams?

God, put me to sleep,

 Forget my promises you keep

 

If I could only cleanse or clip away the wrong in me

Chain and whip the numb and all excesses I perceive

But selfish me, lazy me, so lazy I’ve stopped eating

 

In a horrid, bloody daze where I fearfully envision

That my guilt ridden cuts could never be made deep enough

There are new wounds for each day my death

Runs over due.

  

This is a summary I guess, of the last two or three major entries here I’ve made. The running thoughts, and blank numb moments I am trying to make sense of right now.