Maybe I am done now…
I am begining to think this is a personality flaw….This laziness is completely out of control. I have no energy. I have work to do but can’t break through this. What is wrong with me? I don’t feel very much, but why is it so miserable? I just want to say I am finished. I wish I didn’t have to get up. I wish I didn’t have to keep occupied and distracted.
Nobody can help me out of this I’m afraid. My mother is off from work this whole week from her own anxiety issues, so I can’t have the day time hours to completely fall apart for a while. I’ve got to be conscious of how I act, talk and react to everyone in this house, while no one takes that extra effort for me. Like something as simple as getting off the phone at night so I can actually fall asleep in silence.
What is the point in doing what I love anymore? They have become obsessions; I almost hate these hobbies I have, but I can’t tear myself away from them because they are all I have to hang onto. They are the only constructive things I’ve got to enjoy that won’t kill me. I’ve been drawing portraits of people non stop almost for the last two weeks. I’ve tried to write, but it seems I keep expressing the same things over and over again.
To put it simply, I just feel dead. There’s nothing to fix this is there. I can’t snap out of it like I know others in my life would tell me to do. Nothing a doctor could help me with. Am I at the end maybe? This is the kind of ‘tired of trying’ feeling that I have a hard time believing will go away soon.
I have been feeling lightheaded, breathless, dizzy with blurred vision at times, and minor headaches. My blood isn’t moving right, I am unhealthy. I don’t excersise. So yeah, it’s all my fault I am this way right now. Maybe I am too weak and unmotivated to live and to think positively about myself and about my life. I am too weak to keep this up.
I’ve done so much only for it to be forgotten. It’s always been unimportant to everyone else, but what I have achieve is at least partially important to me. It proves I didn’t waste all my breath doing nothing. That all dies as soon as I do. I am cold at heart, angry and tired and tired seems to be surfacing the worst.
Anyway, here are two drawings I finished over the weekend and today. Norah Jones (the reference photos I used) I was practicing with drawing hands.
Sure, it looks nothing like her. I know. I don’t need anyone’s comments to bring my confidence down anymore than it already is.
I know words aren’t really helpful at this point, but unfortunately they are all I have to give you.
It always seems like giving up would be so much better, doesn’t it? I keep thinking that maybe if I just tell someone, anyone, maybe I can get through a bit of this. But like you said, I think this is a personality flaw, something I can’t exactly fix. I just am. There are no pills in the world that are going to make me think differently or are going to make me appreciate the petty things that keep everyone else going…. Those things are not for me, they can’t even give me a temporary quickening. The smallest bump in my life sends me into a downward spiral, and makes me certain that there is only one way to end my suffering…and everyone elses’.
There has to be something…just one thing. I want you to think about it and tell me what it is. If there were one thing in the entire world that would please you, what would that thing be? What is that one thing that brings a smile to your face?
If I could choose one thing, it would be to spend a week alone at the beach. I’d go when it was overcast and rainy, so that there might be a bit of a mist or fog, and I’d take my shoes off and walk there, searching for seashells.
Actually, the second drawing *does* look like Norah Jones. In either case, I think you draw very well.
-Nicole