So Anxious….
I think I’m getting more anxious about interacting with people than not. Distrusting of more than what I thought. Before it was only crowds that I stayed away from, now it’s as if I’m feeling unsafe around people as individuals, not just the crowds anymore. I’ve been watching too much news; there’s something conflicting going on in my head. I know life is short, I know I should do my best to live the best way I can. I am trying, and instead of feeling guilty for my opportunities and for being the burden I’ve always considered myself, I’m really stuck about how to change things. There are still things going on with my family that do affect me. And as grateful as I try to feel for what I have in my life, there’s still that thought echoing about how I really should be gone. How I really should find a way to disappear.
I’ve been approved for more school money from the loan company. It eats me up inside knowing I have debt already. Thousands of dollars. And it only builds and builds. They expect me to start paying it back six months after I get my degree in a few years. What if it takes me longer to get a job? What if by the time I get my degree, it’s still not enough? There are so many what if’s, worrying about them literally might kill me.
I don’t understand our society. It hurts to see the price for further education only get higher when it’s almost a fact that you can’t get a decent paying job without something extra, beside a diploma. Everything feels hopeless…you only make it if you want it bad enough in this life. My mother is always shoving harsh realities in my face with talk of college and jobs and money and bills. Thank God we don’t have a gun. Or thank God I’m such a recluse, which keeps me away from everything…
I haven’t been able to write in my journal in weeks. I guess that’s just fine. I seem to have more to say when I at least feel as if I’m communicating to someone else. Somebody real.
March 12, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Hope you are doing ok and will try to seek some one on one, face to face couseling. You’ve got more going for you than you think.
Peace,
March 12, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Just found your blog, it’s very well done. You know, I think all the fears you mention are perfectly normal and it would be odd if you didn’t think of them. Just don’t let them stop you from moving forward … that’s the trick. I’m saying this as someone who really understands what you’re saying. I don’t always take my own advice tho! ;)
March 24, 2008 at 11:06 pm
It is quite sad that getting an education is so difficult. I understand how you feel about school—I feel the same way. While you are later going to pay for a loan, I feel that someday I HAVE to repay my parents.
My Dad said to me once that my anxiety is a good thing, it means that I’m prepared, I’m ready for the worst that could possibly happen. And really, maybe that does have its benefits, you know? Sometimes I think that my anxiety will someday help me deal better with stress, and I think it will be the same way for you.
I’m sorry you’re having difficulties. I know what a pain it can be when you are nervous about every little thing. It seems like nothing a person does doesn’t involve interacting with people. I try to just not think about it until it’s happening, you know? I have the bad habit of worrying about things hours and hours (sometimes even days) before they happen. Lately I’ve been trying to just focus my energies on doing things that make me happy, and that in turn keeps me from thinking about all the things I’m going to have to deal with. It sounds like avoidance, but really, I think it is a more productive way to look at things. More easily said than done, but it’s something worth trying. :)