So Wide the World

I’m almost finished with the drawing I plan to paint. Another large, wooden board painting with another strange background theme….If I can call it a theme. This shit is so random, no one should look for an in depth explanation.

The writing is moving along lazily. I can’t feel what I’m even talking about. There’s no passion behind it right now.

I miss the warm weather….This is a quick shot I got of an actual hummingbird late last summer.

And this quote by Amy Lee has been on my mind for a while, from a post about Haiti Relief and the song Evanescence has released to raise money for the cause. She says, “We are the same creatures with the same heart, and as strong as we may feel sometimes, we are completely helpless to the brokenness of this world. Bad things happen. Sometimes its nobody’s fault. But the pain that we feel should make us better…. more sensitive to others and more conscious of our own impact on their lives. No matter what we give, people around the world will hurt just like we do. But maybe that’s the point, and just for us to try to connect to that pain instead of shutting it out, is what makes us human.” She had a lot more to say, but these parts hit a chord in me. Makes this numbness inside even worse to carry around, but what else can I do to myself? I’m better at shutting my own feelings out and being strong for someone else rather than choosing to be strong for myself, if that makes sense. When I say I don’t matter, it’s taken to heart. The time, and what I have to give between the breaths I take is not really mine anyway.

Confusion is what this is. Words aren’t enough. Maybe more silence will open up a door. Or maybe I’ll get a burst of anger and make a move. I’m sick of this.

Btw, here’s the link to download the song. At least a $5 donation, and then the download to their song called Together Again. It’s a really beautiful piece of music. I put in $25 and don’t regret a thing. Even though the media has slowed its Haiti coverage, the people are still there in great need. I’m not going to let it slip my mind so easily. That’s another tragedy: when the world forgets or thinks it’s no longer an issue, just because the media moves onto other things. Or that’s how it always feels…

Maybe this time, we can leave our broken world behind
We’ll be together again
All just a dream in the end.

Life Sucks. End of story.

What have I been up to…

Worrying about money again. Searching around for a writing or art group thing so that I can get out of the house more. Feeling bad about the way volunteering at the research center never had a chance to happen, with orientation getting in my way.

I’m tired of life.

Everything around I try to do is just played out. But I’m drawing again, planning a painting. And I still write bits and pieces here and there. One day it might turn into something that makes sense.

….Lonely and unhappy and cold-hearted. I did care for a moment there. But it faded a lot faster this time, which is a shame.

And my mp3 broke. It’s amazing how afraid I am to start painting without my headphones on. Music is my only energy these days. To start anything without it is useless. There’s nothing in me to keep going. Pathetic.

——-

Every day I go into work makes no difference. I will die without having made another friend in my life. I keep people at a distance because I consider it a fact that talking won’t make them actually care. I’m already dead inside. I already don’t care about what others share with me regarding the trivial things going on in their own lives. I’ve shut down. Words to feelings have simply dissolved, so I can’t honestly say what’s going on. There is just great sadness and dead weight inside with no solution.

“Day” My Opposite Scream

Suspended high,
So you must be the truth
You’re who takes the lead
Always bright and unpredictable
My opposite scream
I say, why extend the agony?
Why respect another day?

Your philosophies don’t stick with me
Or fold my knife away

Painting skulls with the curve of earth
Your ruins have fallen, everything hurts
Blood on hinges, the known enemy
The hate folds in and is long enough unending
A fearless favor in the flame, I asked as
I am entertained—go on—inflict more pain

You break me from my cell
I’ve been dying with your help

Need

Terrible day.

I’ve thought about suicide today  more than I have in a month. With all the bullshit going on in the world at this moment, I can’t swallow my frustration anymore. It’s making me so sick…I’ve had it with the disrespect I get at work. If anyone deserves a painfully slow death, it’s those people I’ve forced my time around.

Not the families and children of the poorest country this side of the world….

None of it had to happen. All I can see and feel is how things didn’t have to be this bad. What’s the money do or even mean when it seems to be too late? If money had been given years ago to help build up the country of Haiti, would the outcome have been this horrible? Am I a bad person for even asking this? Why does it always take a terrible event to get people to act….To be human to one another for once. To put ourselves in another shoes and feel their pain and loss, their struggle.

I wanted to walk away from everything today. I could barely cover up how miserable I was sitting there. Taking it over and over again from the same people. Constantly asking myself why I do this, what it means, is it worth all that I lose inside everyday I drag myself up and face what surrounds me?

I’m so unhappy. I want to change the world. I want to change people’s minds so that we don’t hate one another, so that we see we’re all humans no matter the differences in between. I want us to take care of the Earth we come from–to give a damn and not just rape it of all its worth.

Thank God it’s unsustainable. We need to be erased.

And I need to go to sleep. I need to place my hope in that I’ll not wake come the morning.

“Crawl back inside…”

I made a $15 donation to the RedCross today. It will probably be something I do every month now that I have the money to spare. There’s always a need. May not be much or make a difference, but I need to lie to myself right now. I need to feel like I’m helping, giving something more than empty words or false hope.

This world is just hell…And I can’t break this numbness for anything.

Just can’t believe where my life has ended up.

I should be thrilled about so many things. But it’s still all about how long I will last. Things I guess are taking a while to get better because I’m still adjusting to the change. I don’t know how I should be exactly or what should keep me going.

“Suffer Slowly…”

It’s getting into my head more and more as the days pass. About the numbness, figuring out a solution to the endless feeling I’m left with. It’s an unbearable kind of drag that takes the color away from every image, the words from every thought, the shape from every plan I attempt that might bring about some distraction…

My breath is the last bit of life in me yet to be taken away. And I would see it given up for a stop to this. Trying to force the words out of my mind seems to push them further into the hidden knot they’ve become. It’s hard enough for me to continue writing this out. I’m having a hard time and don’t know what to do.

Remembering where I’ve placed some familiar tools. I feel a slight spark at the idea of coming up with a plan to fall back on. Just so that something concrete is there, for comfort. Something my mind can go through when the stress or when people become too much to handle. That would be a start, probably a bad start but it’s something else. Something I take as far better than what I’ve taken in throughout these years of trying to “fix” myself.

I’m ridiculous.

Nightmare come true

Today I had to work.

I went in expecting my normal routine, but instead, I was shoved onto the busiest unit on my hospital floor because none of the other HUCs showed up. Keep in mind–I’ve been working here barely a month and they tell me to run this ridiculously busy unit all by myself.

This was my one nightmare come true. I was terrified and could hardly manage myself at first. I don’t know how I didn’t take off running out of the building the moment people started hitting me up with questions. And I mean just about everything that could have gone wrong did…lol. From vital resources not working or being there (printer/ink-missing phones) to missing patients–I handled it all by myself and cannot figure out how, thinking back.

I think this was a test. Worrying about a situation like this happening had been weighing on my mind ever since I started this job and to have it actually happen, and to have survived it…

It’s just crazy to think about right now…lol. That’s all. Just crazy.

“One Of These Days” Who should be ashamed?

Dry unmoving air
One place is just as any
I’m here and holding nothing
And don’t wonder what I was to be

So, rest still and without worry
Because I will never tell you
Those things I did, that I still do
Tucked in the corners of this room

I’ve bargained with these voices
Taken pills to give you time
To see reasons through it all, my way
Hoping you might care for why

But it’s here again with me tonight
That train traveled so near
My hands -so stuck onto this blade
You carve me from all fear.

Pieces of nonsense. I can’t be my own friend. I wish people could see this image in my head. I’m standing on the highest ledge-expectation, others hopes, the future-begging to fall.

This is the best

Four more days of scheduled orientation. I’m getting used to what I’m supposed to do on the unit I’ve been assigned. There’s still enough fear in me though to keep me wary of doing/saying anything outside of what’s necessary.

I guess I’ve been okay though. Taken over by the routine of it all–everything else in my life has been set aside ever since I started working. Writing and finishing my art projects…finishing the music to my songs…

People keep asking me if I’m in school or if I have another job, if I have kids and all of that. I say no, no, no, and have to leave them with a lame indication that I might go back to school or have plans to. I have this part time job and have not made any plans past staying around at it for a time. I lost any real reason for my life and for living a long time ago, but nobody wants to hear that. On medication or not, the emptiness is still what I know best.

Maybe this is the best I can possibly feel. Today could be my last day–tomorrow–whenever. Standing outside and looking around but not really taking anything in, what’s it really matter?

And another one…

Two more weeks to go until my normal, part time work schedule begins. I’m still taking the medication I was prescribed, but it’s tough waiting for this stuff to work. And if/when it does, I don’t expect it to last but a few months anyway.

I doubt my ability to keep a job, that’s what’s been really nagging me. It’s like, if I can’t hold myself up this time, I’ll lose everything. For months I’ve been extremely detached from planning things, from seeing myself here two or three years from now…you know, surviving. Some may say I just need to get over this attitude, or that I’m too old to be this moody or whatever. All I can say is I’m trying to cover it up the best I can. I hate how the only thing I ever seem to say that I’m sure of is how finished I feel.

Here’s one that makes no sense….lol.

Noxious

Why, another day to endure
There’s admiration, lies they adore
Stiff smile, tense awkward walk
For the way, on a path without cause

There is a wish for death
For this world to fall in on itself
Motivations easily hacked away
The base, poor but un-wanting

When silence put time against its cheek
The sky became too heavy, solid ground too weak
Where this trust was no longer believed—
All seeds of a deep despondency

Grueling hours dangle from its eyes
Hopelessness absorbed through skin
A nightmare’s motionless terror
Better to die within