With Feeling

I have some new pieces of writing I’m actually excited about. I wish I could feel like this all the time, where ideas feel closer at hand and it’s not as if I’m stuck or empty of thoughts and creativity. Anyway, the first short poem below is about the disappointment I’ve felt I am to my mother…

 

You didn’t know.
I buried my wings long ago.

Your unexpected,
Over blessed baby girl

You should have let me die
I’m not getting this thing right

Now pieces of a painful break
These days shrinking my lungs

Sameness always in front
My cheaply glues illusion

All I owe bleeds the night to
One guilt imposing sun rise

I’m sorry when you hug me
I am numb from skin to soul

All these years have never been.
And I’ve nothing to show.

 

The second one here probably explains itself, being more about the way others close to you tend to brush aside what they see and hear and not take it seriously when they probably should. And about how what they do finally realize about you messing up their world, you becoming their new frustration…But even that interpretation comes weeks after I actually finished it, so take it however you want.

For the Truth

I don’t regret this
Broken stare, and
I won’t forget,
I taste them tearing open

Appalled at my whole life
Those feel of words that flash across your eye
They say to think I’m wrong is right
But still you want into my mind

Yet you’re so scared to see
The changing shades within the haze
You still cannot believe just how
Sick my world is leaning

And as any other fool, not knowing what they do
My darkened presence you’ve excused as weightless
Consuming so few; a spell of common sorrow
—don’t we all go through?

With my fresh wounds
Bright above their blue
Be free and hate me
Better for the truth

 

I’ve finally found the piano solo version of Breathe No More by Evanescence. Click on it below, turn your speakers up and forget the visuals, just listen to how beautiful this song is and tell me I’m not crazy for being such a fan….lol.

 

Language of the Light

I’m coasting along. Incredibly empty. I haven’t gotten sleep. No one’s listening to me.

Puts me back into my past, in school, with a mind right in between snapping on everyone around me or running away somewhere expecting death to meet me at whichever direction.

People talk a lot and wish and pray, but it never feels real when it actually happens. When what you’ve been asking for happens….No body is going to be after me or hoping for me and my future if I’m not.

Whatever…

My brother’s idiot behavior got his car stolen last night…As my mother says, that’s “life in the big city…”

I hate the players and I hate the game. There’s people actually believing the 2012 hype and all I can say is it seems too good to be true. The end of the world, so soon? Yeah, too good–that’s how you know it’s not going to happen…lol.

But I do still hope I’m wrong.

How Long Ago

Run the music, run the words
Calculate my end
My simple complication
Just as silent, just as dead

To live with scattered memory
And bring nothing to close
Fragrant of both failure and loss
To live sorry, to grieve their cost

There are many among us
I am one to get rid of,
When all is cold and without hope
To talk me away from

I’ve seen the limbs, I’ve passed the bridge
I dream the cliffs of high
And no one asks that I save myself
How long ago I’ve died

 

It just gets worse.

On the Other side

Pieces of voice and vision
I’m a decorated lie
Shut me out forever
I am the other side

Its see through skin is so cheap
Of hollow promise and belief
Nothing about this keeps me
They are never as alone,

It’s not worth my questions and
Never worth the pain
But I still hurt and hold you high
And bleed you all the same

While dreaming bits of a third eye
From window’s veil of dying light
This going glow- as each scar line
Is softly swept aside

When the art suffers and there are no words to express, or even thoughts/feelings to need words to express…I think I’m done. I don’t want words or paint because I’m useless to them. I don’t know what to do with these things anymore. I’ve done all I can do. It’s all trash, from here on.

It never existed….

Sacrificed

Sacrificed

It’s placed at the end of eternity
But the fearful ones try anyway
A faithful reaching done in vain
Their lives that could be, grossly hang

From this old sage, the ancient tree
Thriving ludicrous philosophies
The marked fools are all in line
Dream-full, in their prime and picked to die
I am a distant witness
My excitement keeps me kind
For what each breath may, or not, mean
They still will not ask why, and

I hear the moonlight weep
For all those bodies squashed beneath
The hollow voices of ripened souls
Down this devil’s throat

One of those days I understand too well why I have no friends.

No one’s got it all…

To Sunset

A painting for my mother…

Went to a volunteer interview today. I’m actually very excited about the department I’ll be assigned (hopefully) a position. The collection and research part of this massive and extremely impressive museum in my city. It’s the perfect distraction from the nowhere my life is going and I’ll learn some new skills about something I’m interested in. Anyway, I won’t speak about everything else that’s been going on for fear of it falling apart before it even gets started….I’m trying to keep myself balanced. Don’t get too high on hope and don’t sink all the way just yet. And for that, I’m ready for whatever happens. If the door opens I’m going through it no matter what, and if not–well I’ve got a good fix for that too.

Birthdays….

Are Horrible. Even more so when people, family, have forgotten. But that wouldn’t matter so much if I weren’t around to know it. I just need to be put somewhere.

Get rid of this pain
Put my faith into something

Maybe these pills,
Then I’ll be alright

Or this knife;
Maybe then I’ll sleep tonight

Within this lonely place
I’ve been still with every lie

And as I sleep in dark escape
I’ll wake ready to die.

The Heart

This is something I painted a few weeks ago. I think it goes with this poem alright enough. It’s also the image I have as my blog header.

To Pieces

Soaked by the falling rain
The bottom of a shoe
Always in my face

The live body
The prison cell
Each heartbeat marks
The bars of hell

Release this fury –trace with knife
Along my throat, along my thigh
Those precious blood ways I outline
Tomorrow at the back of mind

Pull my arms and legs apart,
Peel away my veins
Nowhere am I beautiful
My bruised dead face

I dream the open window
My several stories high
I’ve opened everything up
I’ve eaten all my insides

I’m licking at each bone
I bite to pieces,
Here alone

I really don’t have much to say anymore about my life. I don’t see past a year from now. This doesn’t change. I think I’m going to give up looking for a job right now as I don’t even understand how I’m able to function during the day. There’s nothing keeping me together and to be honest I’m having brief moments where I’m all about the details in how to get rid of myself, they’re getting into my dreams again. Things are just so messed up. I should be seeing the good I’ve been given and try to make something of myself, but I can’t get past just not being able to care, just not wanting to be here in the first place. And I feel I’d be doing everyone a favor if I killed myself–sooner rather than later.

But you know already. It’s my same tired story

Quiet In the Dark

This is the painting I finished a week ago. I wanted to show something about what I hold onto. Everything that hurts basically. And like in the one before this, the person represents one greater than what I am now. What I could be, except in this one she’s with dark around the eyes and a black shape for a mouth representing silence. I didn’t plan this painting out too well, but I think that’s why I liked working on it so much. Even though I didn’t know where I was going with it, I worked in detail, so at least I can feel good about that.

I’ve written more than I have in months from my computer being out so many days. I’ll have some of that up soon hopefully. I’m trying my best not to fall apart as I look back on this past year, my birthday being around the corner and all. I didn’t want the circumstances to be the same, but I have not done enough on my part to deserve a change. And another years is just hard to think about right now.

Without

This is a painting I finished a month ago. It’s taken me that long to really understand what I even created, but I think I know now. This is a figure I take as representing the person I could be being taken down. Attacked, blinded by darkness, without arms representing a lack of control, and the white shape of the mouth represents how the words being spoken are always lost to the surrounding noise and confusion (explaining the white, red, sharp background). Otherwise, it’s just a weird and slightly creepy picture that really has nothing more to offer. I don’t know why I spend time painting anymore really. I don’t do it for money or for people to like me. But maybe it’s so that I can feel I have something to call my own right now. As useless and undeserving as I feel, that’s all I can say.

I wrote something to go along with this that I’ll post later, if I can get my computer to act right for once.

“A Lesson In How Fleeting Preservation Is…”

I love this song. Listening to the stings almost makes me cry…lol. The arrangement is so beautiful.

And here is some writing I’ve been working on.

(still no title)

I don’t regret this
Broken stare, and
I won’t forget,
I taste them tearing open

Appalled at my whole life
Those feel of words that flash across your eye
They say to think I’m wrong is right
But still you want into my mind

Yet you’re so scared to see
The changing shades within the haze
You still cannot believe just how
Sick my world is leaning

And as any other fool, not knowing what they do
My darkened presence you’ve excused as weightless
Consuming so few; a spell of common sorrow
—don’t we all go through?

With my fresh wounds
Bright above their blue
Be free and hate me
Better for the truth

And this next one was written for no other purpose except for release. I was so upset when I started it, and it probably makes no sense, but that’s no surprise…

I say ‘be better than you are
Don’t make these kinds of mistakes
These human mishaps-
Don’t be human

But you never do learn.’
Everyone deserves to live? Are you sure?
Ignore what makes you seem like another good being
And tell me the truth

Only if you see it as a gift.
Only if you think there’s nothing’s better than to live
Maybe I’m right where I should be
Here with tears, in misery

I don’t deserve a thing
Looking at myself in this telling mirror
Dim light to catch my face at all the wrong places
I never asked you, God. I never wanted.

Creases here and under there, I am so tired
The lean of that one ugly eye
Just close them both forever
I’m never going to see the way they do, the way I’m told to

There’s been another plan here
Passed slowly, from sin to sin
Like an ice cold cloth ready to shield me
Or a voice kind enough to speak

Of the beauty I do see
In death , of end, in all conclusions
For all that’s not allowed to breathe
You save me from this trouble

Each failure, every future sun
Tall in their rejection,
I am lit and brightened
Easily burned away

Nothing special. Things are up in the air right now and I’m just waiting to see where it leaves me.